My String of thoughts...

sigh, i am here to record my fragile string of thoughts that seem to disappear so quickly as they come.

sometimes i wished that i had never met him. when i was searching for someone, i must be able to comfort in him and he must listen to me wholeheartedly, regardless of time, regardless of whatever. he must be able to make me smile all the time and i must not feel hurt. however, u thought i could find all these in him, but as you can see, i was wrong. loving him was the most WRONG thing i ever did. that is because, he hurt my heart after stealing it, and it was maybe because of circumstances that he is not able to fulfil what i desire the most, yet i gave him many chances.

and now i take my chances and i want to get away from him as far as possible. it is so hard. when you love someone so much without knowing why and you have to forget you ever know him. it is so hard. i feel much aches in my heart. i may be silly, i may be guillable, but my love for him is true.

sometimes i feel that i could replace her, but then again, i can never do that. seeing the way he used to treat her and how he treats me now, he treats me like a younger sister, a child. i guess he can never call or would never call me what i want to hear. yes he broke a lot of promises to me. sometimes it was circumstances that forbade us, but please at least try to admend for it. i have done everything in this world for him. if he wants it, i would do it. as long as he is smiling. i want to be part of his life and relief some of his burden that he is carrying. but as much as i integreted his life into mine, i feel he has not yet put me in to his. so am i feeling this only? am i so stupid to love him when he DOESNT LOVE ME AT ALL?

i cry in my heart whenever i think of things like that. at times i try not to think about it. but one can not deny the facts that are happening. i turned down benjamin again, and xxxx and xx and xxxx  and some others i don't want to mention because i feel that i have him in my heart. but i doubt he has me. i doubt he has me.

benjamin is asking me for coffee again. i do not know if i should go. i feel so lost and confused. so many people are nice to me, and i feel bad for turning them down. i guess i am just too soft. so many questions remain. should i get on with my real life? i am now like a floating piece of feather. no one to hold on to, no one to hold me close, and i feel so cold. i shiver at such teenage life, but then again, i think it is part of a growing life.

i do want the pain to go away. i do love him so much. but i do want him to be happy. but if he is happier without me, i will disappear.

i would go to the ends of the earth for him. i would reach for anything he wants. but if this is what he wants, then i know what i must do.

but please, take away my state of confusion and sadness. i think i deserve better.